Dianeisms
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Panic
Feeling out of control takes it’s toll.
My mind rushing forward.
And my body implanted toward.
Heading down fears tunnel
Into a tornadic funnel
Everythings getting taller
And I’m shrinking smaller
I completely give in and let the fear take over.
I tremble
I fumble
I shake
And crumble.
My panic attacks have finally subsided. After months of feeling anxious all the time, my nerves feel calm. I've read that panic attacks are one of the most frighting things humans can go through, well besides a near death experience. It feels like I'm actually loosing my mind. My whole body shakes and my mind feels like it's moving forward while I'm standing still. It gets triggered by things that I already fear like heights and large cities. My mind shuts down and I can't function, which is why it has become difficult for me to drive through big cities. But, I try to push through by repeating that I won't let fear control me. Its a strange thing though, I used to drive through Atlanta and fly in planes with no problem, then all of a sudden I started freaking out. I think that because there has been a lot of changes in my life I've kind of been thrown into a whirlwind and am staggering around trying to catch my breath. If I could give advice to anyone who gets them, it's keep pushing yourself to face your fear and confront the reasons for the attacks and they will get better. If you submit to them and pull yourself from whatever situation is making you anxious, you'll never get over it. It's really hard to do and I was scared the whole time, but every time I live through it I think what the hell is the big deal? I'm hopeful though that one day panic attacks will be a distant memory. Until then, I'm just going to grip on to whatever stands still while the whirlwind whips around me.
HIS SIN LIES WITHIN
He is a risk taker, an opportunity maker, a world shaker, and probably a bad love maker.
Spoiled beyond belief and often considered more important than he actually is, he has never been a giver, but always a taker.
He is used to being treated with respect, by submission, and reacts to disrespect with corruption.
As he hoards in the weak, he hungers for mass quantities of sick consumption.
Perhaps he is a diplomat, who is very precise, but mostly naughty, and pretends to be nice.
While he is obsessed with money, and keeping himself in tact, the world around him is in shambles.
His interest are not in the simple things in life, rather, he’d choose to spend his time in a pool of riches as he gambles.
Warm-hearted, generous, caring, and organized, he is not, as he runs everyone ragged, their minds become absorbed in wicked and wretched mental states.
Following his desire to the very core of his existence, he treats everything with neglect, including his wife who stays at home and waits.
Giving in to temptation, he is a lustful love faker, caught red-handed.
Trying to explain this tall tale with his diplomatic solution he finds himself stranded.
The victim of adultery, with the symbol of love in her hand, she’s not buying it for what she has detected.
We can not learn from his words, but we can learn from his actions, the cost of living for the moment is much higher than expected.
So, starting last spring 2009 I started seeing these numbers 937 every single day. Whether it was time, money, phone numbers, license plates, upc codes on products, or Jerseys standing next to each other at a football game, they sought out my retina. It really freaked me out. I started telling people about it and of course they thought I was crazy, but then they started to notice that I saw it too. This went on for months and months before I did anything about it. I started researching what the numbers meant individually and this is what I found:
9
Represents accomplishment and success to achieve an influence over circumstance, intellectual power, inventiveness, positive influential difference. The spiritual meaning is Finality or judgment, completeness, and end of all things.
3
Means magic, intuition, expression, versatility, joy of creation, reward and success. The spiritual meaning is personal completeness, holy trinity, resurrection of christ, and birth/life/death.
7
Means mystery, activation of imagination, conscious thought, awareness, and scholarly activities. The spiritual meaning is God's perfection.
After I researched what these numbers meant, I stopped seeing them everyday, which is why I miss them. However, I did see the number 5 times this past Tuesday. I'm not 100% sure as to why I see them, but it is most definitely strange!
Loving a rag doll
Your perfect in every way.
Perfect hair, perfect mouth, perfect body, but you’ve lost your heart today.
It’s on your sleeve, showing your discontent by not being in your body.
Your empty glance makes way for your lifeless touch.
As I love and hug my rag doll it goes limp in my arms.
I try and try and get no response.
Before you know it, the perfect doll isn’t so perfect anymore.
The hair is frayed, the mouth droops, and the body tattered.
And my heart is shattered.
But it’s not your fault you wear your heart on your sleeve and I can see where it is.
I just want it repaired I don’t care how it is his.
Forgive and forget the heart will reawaken, it will be repaired by someone else’s taken.
The Education Sanction
Kindergarten, first, second, second, third
Two times in second was considered absurd
The first grade was the worst experience of all
The teacher treated me as if I couldn’t even crawl
With her dis-encouraging words, she poked fun
Anytime she called my name my body became numb
My anxiety increased by three times three
But not even my parents could see
I had a learning disability
Confused why the girls and boys attention in class did not equate
By the time I received help it was already too late
They convinced the inconvincible that I didn’t have what it takes
Learning to be quiet is the personality I began to fake
My peers also helped my spirit dwindle
They made my life be the ultimate symbol
Focusing on them, I lost focus in school
I never realized how kids could be so cruel
Sometimes I felt like I shouldn’t even try
Some went above and beyond, some were mediocre, that I can not deny
But, maybe they would have tried harder if I was a different gender
If more effort was made, maybe I would not have surrendered, at this age your life is very tender, it shaped who I am, a non-defender
Receiving outside intervention by someone so ignorant
I would have rather gotten my advice from an infant
Prescribed pill after pill I did not have a say
A bad reaction was soon on its way
I can not express in the way that I reacted
Let’s just say you don’t want a re-enactment
Attacked by the mind something was not right
The pill popping ended in a fight
After explaining to my parents that I did what I could
They let me be free, as they should
All this at the age of seven
Third, fourth, and fifth felt like heaven
The hardest part was over, but a knew problem had just begun
School put pressure on me to only be beautiful and for my intelligence to equal none
Afraid to speak for fear of not sounding smart
I wander if I would feel this way if I didn’t have a wrong start
What I needed then was not given
This is now what makes me driven
Now that I am in college I can never know enough
Getting over this is going to be tough
Fixing my voice and my confidence I’ve rose to the challenge, thanks to this experience I’ve grown stronger
No one can tell me what I can and can’t do any longer
I hope that others will learn from the moral of my story
Take it all in and see all its glory
Here is the answer to the question of the educator
The future lies within you, enrich lives, until more money is put in the educational system by the legislature
Until then, I will see you later
For those of you who made me a non-believer do me a favor
Pay attention the Board of Education; I’ve got a message, so listen to what’s in store
From now on I will spread my wings and soar
I will do the unthinkable until you gasp and hit the floor
No longer will I be ignored and treated like a chore
I am a woman hear my roar
D is for Dummy and F is for failure, these are the grades I came to know well while in school. While I have a few bones to pick with the Educational System, I do want to say that being a teacher is such a respectable and underpaid profession. I’ve had so many teachers over the years that really cared and made a huge difference in my learning life. I thank them all for that. It must be so rewarding to finally see that light bulb go off. Having stated that, my difficulties in school started in the second grade. I was labeled LD (learning disabled) and was sent to LD classrooms where kids misbehaved from lack of self-esteem about their place in modern academia. This label is so detrimental to the delicate minds of young children. It has a negative connotation and we got made fun of for our “below average” grades. I was given different pills for dealing with my concentration problem and depression pills to deal with the ridicule I undertook in school and the self-esteem loss for feeling stupid in comparison to the other kids.
You are setting children up for failure when you label them an LD. They won’t put much importance on education and depending on their nature, they just might simply give up. I gave up which is why I spent most of my life trying to catch up to everyone else. What I’ve learned now is that Attention Deficit Disorder, in my case, is code for creativity. My mind wandered during class because I have an imagination and introspective mind. I may have never made good grades, but it took spending 50 G’s at Clemson to realize that I am smart. Just not in the way that the educational system measures it. I realize life isn’t fair, but what if we could change the way we see academics and grades. What if we removed D’s and F’s from the grading scale? What if we tailored different programs in the education systems that spoke to kids with different types of smarts. I realize every child needs the basics, but will I EVER need to know what the square root of four is? No, probably not and at least I haven’t yet and honestly who cares! I’m not a mathematician and never will be. You can’t force a square peg in a round whole.
Art classes are electives, which makes it seem like they are less important. I think if your artistic, then in high school you need to be exploring that avenue rather then taking the wasteful chemistry class. I know there are private schools for these types of things, but honestly who has the money for that sort of thing. We rely on the government to make such decisions and so far they’ve been mute.
It was so difficult growing up with a learning disorder. Not only did I experience some traumatic experiences, like boys in the LD classes grabbing my chest with my hands tied around my back, but also I rebelled and got angry because of it. It seemed like everyone was working against me. I even had an authority figure tell my mother I shouldn’t go to college due to my 8th grade writing capabilities at the age of 18. I wasn’t really sure if I’d ever go to college or amount to much because of all of this. I have since then come to my senses, but it’s because I have a lot of support and insight. Had I not, who knows where I’d be. The future is the most important thing to protect and if we don’t protect the minds of children who face issues like this, then your future congressman could be sitting in jail right now because he/she never saw his/her own potential.
Educational reform is scary and cost money, but the cost of losing one brilliant mind in a crowd is higher than any penny spent.
